Well it's all done yet it's really all setting in.  The funeral was on Friday and the burial service was yesterday.  Both services were very nice, but it still just felt completely unreal throughout the entire past couple of days.  And only now as I sit here in his green chair does it begin to sink in that he's never coming back.  It makes me want to call up every person I've ever loved and tell them I love them and that I want them to take care of themselves.  Today is Mother's Day and although it's supposed to be a happy day of appreciation, I can see that she is sad and hurting and that kills me.  I have to head back to Iowa in the next couple of days and start the job hunt.  I just hope I don't get stuck working some crappy minimum wage job in retail.  I've been there and i never want to go back.  If that was the case, I wouldn't even be saving a significant amount for next year.  Summer has just started and already I can't wait to get back into the groove of school.  Compared to this time last week that is a completely different outlook.  If I could I'd just live in a cabin somewhere on the outskirts of civilization and live off the land with the ones I love.  I guess we all kind of wish for something like that, but we just have to deal with the chaotic lifestyle of....well life in general.  My dreams have been so strange these past  few days.  I had my first dream with Nick involved.  He wasn't dead in the dream, and it was like it had always been back in those days- him saying something off the wall and all of us cracking up.  I even woke up laughing, and it was a huge comfort to see him.  The rest of my dreams have all consisted of mass groups of friends both from Bloomington and Austin so it's just been awesome.  Man I just don't know what the hell is up, lately I just feel like I'm in this constant dream-state and I just want to wake up and start living.  I don't know what's holding me back exactly but I sure hope I figure it out soon.

It's final.
They're unplugging the machines that have been keeping him alive.
He's still not responding.
I'm still at school.
I feel very....blank.
Maybe it's because I knew this day would come sooner or later.
Maybe it's because I haven't actually sat down to think about it.
I can't believe this is it.
I don't remember the last thing I said to him.
I hope it was I love you.

All I can do is sit and stare.

Ok so I studied for most of last night and have to do it again today before my last final at 2:45. Thankfully Jenny called me up and swooped me from my apartment for a more suitable place to study, Soma. I got a pot of gunpowder green tea and a vegan chocolate chip peanut butter bar. It's pretty delicious, and lesson learned: never drink a whole pot of gunpowder on my own again. Last night after I drank it all I felt weird and then as time progressed my body was all: uhhhhhhh what the fuuuuuuck! Crazy crazy crazy today still, partially because i fell asleep on books with my shoes on for like 2 hours in which I'd wake up every 30 min. by my quick alarm on my cellphone. My head feels like it's floating above my neck. I might have to retake 2 of my classes next year, due to the fact that this semester has seriously fucked me over. Well I guess I kind of fucked myself over for taking 17 credits plus joining the improv group. No time to do homework and studying went down - not to mention i had multiple exams nearly every week so the whole semester I've felt like I was struggling, or merely treading water constantly and was always tired and wore out. But I'll deal with all that when grades come out and make a plan from there. No sense getting overly upset about it. People make mistakes, and I've already talked to my parents about it so the tough part is over. It just sucks that I actually go to class and take notes and yet I still struggle in certain subject areas. Next semester I'll just have to take more initiative to get help and get a tutor if necessary. Oh and something that was sort of well...absolutely ridiculous today was here I am at the math final at like 7:30, practically dead and feeling woozy from all the caffeine still (yuck) and the teachers finally get there at like 7:55 and all of them realize they didn't bring half of the exams. What professor forgets exams??? There was mutiny in the air...all the students pretty much were in unanimous agreement that this class is absolutely ridiculous, not taught well- in my class at least, and had ridiculous exams with way too much information to memorize. Ugh I really dread repeating the class but maybe it'll be good for me. Maybe I'll actually understand it the second time around. On a lighter note I also love this song this week:

Alright so my room has become a pit...it needs to be cleaned asap. I've lost things and am tired of walking over clothes and stepping on whatever may be underneath. God I'm such a packrat!  Slept next to a friend last night after drinking a 40. It was rather comforting though it was so hot which kept me from falling asleep. That and him snoring. I got a goddamn parking ticket today, which I suppose could be worse.  My car could have been towed, thankfully it wasn't. Last night I had the strange opportunity to watch a dumbass in the making.  It was late, we'd finished our 40s and stepped outside for a smoke when my friend Tim got the brilliant idea of dumpster diving....literally.  He'd go for a running start and then flip or jump or cannonball into this huge dumpster which was full of trash people didn't want who had moved out or were in the process of.  Even though I was drunk..I knew that was a stupid idea and i just laughed at him.  He wouldn't listen to the voice of reason, and yeah he ended up getting hurt.  Something in the trash scraped his skin or deeply bruised it and almost cut it....sigh. What an idiot. Oh the things we think are hilarious while drunk.  Luckily he listened to a girl who was sober and passing through long enough to see his wounds.  She put ointment and peroxide on it, so he wouldn't die of unknown trash viral infections. Now I have to study for two exams tomorrow...which one starts at 8am and there's no way I'll be more than a zombie at that point.  I plan on allnighting it but we'll see if i end up accidentally passing out on my books.  But NOW I need to feast on something.

I can't stop listening to this.

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty alright day despite the bad news earlier on the phone.  It's still up in the air with my grandpa but he's still in recovery so we shall see.  I ended up taking a car full of boys to the beach yesterday evening and we played in the water which was way to cold to be swimming in.  We made sand sculptures and giggled.  I charmed some geese with goldfish crackers and we drank yoohoo.  I'd never had it before but the fact that it says chocolate..drink...is a little weird.  Two finals are done and another will be done shortly, which reminds me I have to practice my recorder..strange I know.

Alright so this week officially sucks a million times over.  I got a call in the midst of my studying for my 5 finals that my grandpa's colon had exploded and that he had been rushed earlier today into emergency surgery and was in recovery tonight.  It doesn't look good, even though currently he is stable.  They have him on so many drugs he's practically in a coma.  His immune system is so bad from his emphysema  and  the fact that he had to have a kidney transplant from his kidney disease.  A normal, healthy person can have a majorly hard time overcoming their colon exploding, but someone in my grandpa's condition well...like I said it doesn't look good.  Finals seem pointless, and I feel just blank.  The strange thing is this exact time last year I got a call that my grandma was dying of cancer, and she passed within the week of her diagnosis.  I sure hope the same thing doesn't happen.  I'm trying to ready myself, and focus on the fact that if he does die, well at least he won't have to struggle.  God I hate going through these same thought processes with death.  Fuck you death, fuck you right up your heartless ass. 


One good thing about today:  I found a song that I'm in love with and want to share with others:  Peter Bjorn and John's, " Young Folks."
Listen to it, the chorus has something new yet old in it and I love it.

One more thing, I really despise people yelling out of cars at people walking.  Tonight after hearing the terrible news I got like 3 different carloads of stupid guys in their oversized trucks with terrible music blaring, whistling and hollering, as if they thought that was the best way to woo a fucking woman.  They just don't get that there's more than the outer layer, that people have shit going on.  Just don't fuck with people bro dawgs, you never know what kind of day they've had.  One of the whistlers didn't even see my face.  I was looking at this solar powered art exhibit that was hiding by a bridge, it was like a secret piece that someone had made at home and set up outside a building.  It made me really happy.  Then someone whistled at my legs or whatever they felt needed a whistling at and I was so pissed. I will cut them.

Man, it's so awkward to have someone take such a huge risk and ask you if you have equal feelings for them....when you don't.  It happened to me last night as I was giving, what I thought was just a friend, a ride home. I was honest with him though and told him where I stood, and I couldn't help but feel proud of him.  A weird reaction I know but damn at least he took that huge step and just approached me point blank.  How often does that happen anyway? I know I don't do that very often if I'm not totally sure of reciprocation. Tonight should be pretty fun, Fithers has a photo show tonight so I gotta support my bro, I think i'll even dress up. Hopefully it won't rain on my parade..again.  Still sick, but I'm continually getting better.  No more classes, happy yet nervous about that.  This semester just has sucked and I'm ready already to start fresh.  Hopefully I can get someone to buy me some beer tonight at the show. I love photography, oh and Wet Hot American Summer tonight for free at the Union.  Good times with good friends. And beer.

So, alright I've decided to actually type my own entries instead of just reading everybody elses. Anyway I wore an entirely inappropriate dress to class today. It wasn't scandalous or anything, it was just that I knew it was going to rain but I wore it anyway. It rained sooooooooo much when I got out of class and I had to walk home through it all. But walking in the rain usually never puts a frown on my face anyway so I wasn't too upset about it.  At one point I even closed my eyes while walking just to feel it all hitting my face and arms and dripping off my nose.  The smell outside was amazing.  For some reason this spring has been wafting up smells of the past.  Almost every time I step out after it's rained I get flashbacks of feelings I once had at 15.  Memories of friendships, sneaking out to meet boys, or just the general feeling of happiness without really caring about anything.  Oh the sheer bliss we all experienced in Katie's attic bedroom.  Our own little eutopia with its own language and feeling.

It's strange how much gusto I've lost for school at this point.  I know this is where I need to be in a way.  Even though degrees are turning kinda clown shoes, I know that I should graduate and get one.  Sometimes I dream of what my classroom will be like.  I still have absolutely no idea where I'm going to settle down and start teaching at.  There's a school here called Harmony Elementary and my friend Tyler had the chance to help out there.  Apparently it's so different from any school I've ever encountered.  Kids are everywhere.  Not all rowdy and running around but lying around on the floor, in the hallways- drawing, doing schoolwork, daydreaming, talking to teachers.  There are little to no desks in any classroom.  Everyone, including the teachers, just basically has pow wows on the floor.  Kids still have structure within the school and are still required to do some work and all that jazz but it's so much more relaxing and so much more of an open-minded environment.  Some of the teachers have piercings, or blue hair, and all the kids talk about how their parents love the grateful dead and are in a band of some kind.  It sounds risky to me but they make it work.  I hope I get the chance to work there for some of my in classroom field experience.  Just to see the possibilities for any classroom.

I can't believe school is so close to being over.  This year has seemed to zoom by but also drag on at the same time.  I really need the break from school, to just be able to relax at least and make money.  But it makes me sad to think I'll be away from this massive family I've acquired, which I spend time with nearly every day.  It'll be hard to be away from them.  It gets me thinking about all those great people that will be moving away next year for good.  It's just going to be so goddamn weird to leave college and start....whatever it is we're supposed to start.  I hope I don't just become a career and lose my randomness.  I would love to keep in contact with as many people as possible but I mean, we all know that's not really what's going to happen most likely.  People get busy doing their own things and that's fine.  My god this milk is delicious! I'll survive finals week, one way or another. I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me!  Also I'll be updating more regularly, especially after I move to Iowa and start whatever job I end up with. I can't believe it....Iowa...ugh.  Tonight is my last night of improv wish me luck!

Had an exam today which I think I did pretty sorta alright on, I studied a little last night and I'm good at bullshitting essays. Climbed a lot of stairs to my class after and died. Came back to life to turn on my clicker before class started. Sat by a pretty girl. Read a book through class. Took part in a psychology experiment where they flashed images and i had to rate if they were good or bad. The funny thing was that the images were politicians and mostly of George Bush. Then I had to rank how warm I felt toward the president after being asked questions on if I liked his policies and all that. I gave him a 1 out of 100. I figure yeah I hate him and he's a terrible politician, but hey maybe he tells good jokes.