bopty_man

It's been a long ride.

2007-05-13T19:14:20Z

Well it's all done yet it's really all setting in. The funeral was on Friday and the burial service was yesterday. Both services were very nice, but it still just felt completely unreal throughout the entire past couple of days. And only now as I sit here in his green chair does it begin to sink in that he's never coming back. It makes me want to call up every person I've ever loved and tell them I love them and that I want them to take care of themselves. Today is Mother's Day and although it's supposed to be a happy day of appreciation, I can see that she is sad and hurting and that kills me. I have to head back to Iowa in the next couple of days and start the job hunt. I just hope I don't get stuck working some crappy minimum wage job in retail. I've been there and i never want to go back. If that was the case, I wouldn't even be saving a significant amount for next year. Summer has just started and already I can't wait to get back into the groove of school. Compared to this time last week that is a completely different outlook. If I could I'd just live in a cabin somewhere on the outskirts of civilization and live off the land with the ones I love. I guess we all kind of wish for something like that, but we just have to deal with the chaotic lifestyle of....well life in general. My dreams have been so strange these past few days. I had my first dream with Nick involved. He wasn't dead in the dream, and it was like it had always been back in those days- him saying something off the wall and all of us cracking up. I even woke up laughing, and it was a huge comfort to see him. The rest of my dreams have all consisted of mass groups of friends both from Bloomington and Austin so it's just been awesome. Man I just don't know what the hell is up, lately I just feel like I'm in this constant dream-state and I just want to wake up and start living. I don't know what's holding me back exactly but I sure hope I figure it out soon.

bopty_man @ 2007-05-05T17:52:00

2007-05-05T22:00:43Z

It's final.
They're unplugging the machines that have been keeping him alive.
He's still not responding.
I'm still at school.
I feel very....blank.
Maybe it's because I knew this day would come sooner or later.
Maybe it's because I haven't actually sat down to think about it.
I can't believe this is it.
I don't remember the last thing I said to him.
I hope it was I love you.

All I can do is sit and stare.

I don't even know

2007-05-04T14:32:17Z

Ok so I studied for most of last night and have to do it again today before my last final at 2:45. Thankfully Jenny called me up and swooped me from my apartment for a more suitable place to study, Soma. I got a pot of gunpowder green tea and a vegan chocolate chip peanut butter bar. It's pretty delicious, and lesson learned: never drink a whole pot of gunpowder on my own again. Last night after I drank it all I felt weird and then as time progressed my body was all: uhhhhhhh what the fuuuuuuck! Crazy crazy crazy today still, partially because i fell asleep on books with my shoes on for like 2 hours in which I'd wake up every 30 min. by my quick alarm on my cellphone. My head feels like it's floating above my neck. I might have to retake 2 of my classes next year, due to the fact that this semester has seriously fucked me over. Well I guess I kind of fucked myself over for taking 17 credits plus joining the improv group. No time to do homework and studying went down - not to mention i had multiple exams nearly every week so the whole semester I've felt like I was struggling, or merely treading water constantly and was always tired and wore out. But I'll deal with all that when grades come out and make a plan from there. No sense getting overly upset about it. People make mistakes, and I've already talked to my parents about it so the tough part is over. It just sucks that I actually go to class and take notes and yet I still struggle in certain subject areas. Next semester I'll just have to take more initiative to get help and get a tutor if necessary. Oh and something that was sort of well...absolutely ridiculous today was here I am at the math final at like 7:30, practically dead and feeling woozy from all the caffeine still (yuck) and the teachers finally get there at like 7:55 and all of them realize they didn't bring half of the exams. What professor forgets exams??? There was mutiny in the air...all the students pretty much were in unanimous agreement that this class is absolutely ridiculous, not taught well- in my class at least, and had ridiculous exams with way too much information to memorize. Ugh I really dread repeating the class but maybe it'll be good for me. Maybe I'll actually understand it the second time around. On a lighter note I also love this song this week:

MATT AND KIM - YEA YEAH

2007-05-03T16:24:20Z

I can't stop listening to this.

Jeezy Creezy

2007-05-03T16:23:38Z

Alright so my room has become a pit...it needs to be cleaned asap. I've lost things and am tired of walking over clothes and stepping on whatever may be underneath. God I'm such a packrat! Slept next to a friend last night after drinking a 40. It was rather comforting though it was so hot which kept me from falling asleep. That and him snoring. I got a goddamn parking ticket today, which I suppose could be worse. My car could have been towed, thankfully it wasn't. Last night I had the strange opportunity to watch a dumbass in the making. It was late, we'd finished our 40s and stepped outside for a smoke when my friend Tim got the brilliant idea of dumpster diving....literally. He'd go for a running start and then flip or jump or cannonball into this huge dumpster which was full of trash people didn't want who had moved out or were in the process of. Even though I was drunk..I knew that was a stupid idea and i just laughed at him. He wouldn't listen to the voice of reason, and yeah he ended up getting hurt. Something in the trash scraped his skin or deeply bruised it and almost cut it....sigh. What an idiot. Oh the things we think are hilarious while drunk. Luckily he listened to a girl who was sober and passing through long enough to see his wounds. She put ointment and peroxide on it, so he wouldn't die of unknown trash viral infections. Now I have to study for two exams tomorrow...which one starts at 8am and there's no way I'll be more than a zombie at that point. I plan on allnighting it but we'll see if i end up accidentally passing out on my books. But NOW I need to feast on something.

12 hours of sleep

2007-05-02T15:56:01Z

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty alright day despite the bad news earlier on the phone. It's still up in the air with my grandpa but he's still in recovery so we shall see. I ended up taking a car full of boys to the beach yesterday evening and we played in the water which was way to cold to be swimming in. We made sand sculptures and giggled. I charmed some geese with goldfish crackers and we drank yoohoo. I'd never had it before but the fact that it says chocolate..drink...is a little weird. Two finals are done and another will be done shortly, which reminds me I have to practice my recorder..strange I know.

Ugh no....

2007-05-01T05:35:31Z

Alright so this week officially sucks a million times over. I got a call in the midst of my studying for my 5 finals that my grandpa's colon had exploded and that he had been rushed earlier today into emergency surgery and was in recovery tonight. It doesn't look good, even though currently he is stable. They have him on so many drugs he's practically in a coma. His immune system is so bad from his emphysema and the fact that he had to have a kidney transplant from his kidney disease. A normal, healthy person can have a majorly hard time overcoming their colon exploding, but someone in my grandpa's condition well...like I said it doesn't look good. Finals seem pointless, and I feel just blank. The strange thing is this exact time last year I got a call that my grandma was dying of cancer, and she passed within the week of her diagnosis. I sure hope the same thing doesn't happen. I'm trying to ready myself, and focus on the fact that if he does die, well at least he won't have to struggle. God I hate going through these same thought processes with death. Fuck you death, fuck you right up your heartless ass.

One good thing about today: I found a song that I'm in love with and want to share with others: Peter Bjorn and John's, " Young Folks."
Listen to it, the chorus has something new yet old in it and I love it.

One more thing, I really despise people yelling out of cars at people walking. Tonight after hearing the terrible news I got like 3 different carloads of stupid guys in their oversized trucks with terrible music blaring, whistling and hollering, as if they thought that was the best way to woo a fucking woman. They just don't get that there's more than the outer layer, that people have shit going on. Just don't fuck with people bro dawgs, you never know what kind of day they've had. One of the whistlers didn't even see my face. I was looking at this solar powered art exhibit that was hiding by a bridge, it was like a secret piece that someone had made at home and set up outside a building. It made me really happy. Then someone whistled at my legs or whatever they felt needed a whistling at and I was so pissed. I will cut them.

What's with timing anyway?

2007-04-27T19:18:08Z

Man, it's so awkward to have someone take such a huge risk and ask you if you have equal feelings for them....when you don't. It happened to me last night as I was giving, what I thought was just a friend, a ride home. I was honest with him though and told him where I stood, and I couldn't help but feel proud of him. A weird reaction I know but damn at least he took that huge step and just approached me point blank. How often does that happen anyway? I know I don't do that very often if I'm not totally sure of reciprocation. Tonight should be pretty fun, Fithers has a photo show tonight so I gotta support my bro, I think i'll even dress up. Hopefully it won't rain on my parade..again. Still sick, but I'm continually getting better. No more classes, happy yet nervous about that. This semester just has sucked and I'm ready already to start fresh. Hopefully I can get someone to buy me some beer tonight at the show. I love photography, oh and Wet Hot American Summer tonight for free at the Union. Good times with good friends. And beer.

Whoa this still exists...

2007-04-26T17:42:16Z

So, alright I've decided to actually type my own entries instead of just reading everybody elses. Anyway I wore an entirely inappropriate dress to class today. It wasn't scandalous or anything, it was just that I knew it was going to rain but I wore it anyway. It rained sooooooooo much when I got out of class and I had to walk home through it all. But walking in the rain usually never puts a frown on my face anyway so I wasn't too upset about it. At one point I even closed my eyes while walking just to feel it all hitting my face and arms and dripping off my nose. The smell outside was amazing. For some reason this spring has been wafting up smells of the past. Almost every time I step out after it's rained I get flashbacks of feelings I once had at 15. Memories of friendships, sneaking out to meet boys, or just the general feeling of happiness without really caring about anything. Oh the sheer bliss we all experienced in Katie's attic bedroom. Our own little eutopia with its own language and feeling.

It's strange how much gusto I've lost for school at this point. I know this is where I need to be in a way. Even though degrees are turning kinda clown shoes, I know that I should graduate and get one. Sometimes I dream of what my classroom will be like. I still have absolutely no idea where I'm going to settle down and start teaching at. There's a school here called Harmony Elementary and my friend Tyler had the chance to help out there. Apparently it's so different from any school I've ever encountered. Kids are everywhere. Not all rowdy and running around but lying around on the floor, in the hallways- drawing, doing schoolwork, daydreaming, talking to teachers. There are little to no desks in any classroom. Everyone, including the teachers, just basically has pow wows on the floor. Kids still have structure within the school and are still required to do some work and all that jazz but it's so much more relaxing and so much more of an open-minded environment. Some of the teachers have piercings, or blue hair, and all the kids talk about how their parents love the grateful dead and are in a band of some kind. It sounds risky to me but they make it work. I hope I get the chance to work there for some of my in classroom field experience. Just to see the possibilities for any classroom.

I can't believe school is so close to being over. This year has seemed to zoom by but also drag on at the same time. I really need the break from school, to just be able to relax at least and make money. But it makes me sad to think I'll be away from this massive family I've acquired, which I spend time with nearly every day. It'll be hard to be away from them. It gets me thinking about all those great people that will be moving away next year for good. It's just going to be so goddamn weird to leave college and start....whatever it is we're supposed to start. I hope I don't just become a career and lose my randomness. I would love to keep in contact with as many people as possible but I mean, we all know that's not really what's going to happen most likely. People get busy doing their own things and that's fine. My god this milk is delicious! I'll survive finals week, one way or another. I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me! Also I'll be updating more regularly, especially after I move to Iowa and start whatever job I end up with. I can't believe it....Iowa...ugh. Tonight is my last night of improv wish me luck!

Tuesday

2006-04-11T17:30:31Z

Had an exam today which I think I did pretty sorta alright on, I studied a little last night and I'm good at bullshitting essays. Climbed a lot of stairs to my class after and died. Came back to life to turn on my clicker before class started. Sat by a pretty girl. Read a book through class. Took part in a psychology experiment where they flashed images and i had to rate if they were good or bad. The funny thing was that the images were politicians and mostly of George Bush. Then I had to rank how warm I felt toward the president after being asked questions on if I liked his policies and all that. I gave him a 1 out of 100. I figure yeah I hate him and he's a terrible politician, but hey maybe he tells good jokes.

Finally a nice day!

2006-03-31T02:31:53Z

At last the sun shone today and I have the chance to hang out outside without going into a shivering seizure. I got out of class at 12 and pretty much hung out outside the rest of the day until 7 or so. It was some good times twirling around to the beatles, and sharing a blanket or two with so many lovely friends. Of course this warm weather also meant...attack of the hippies. It kind of scares me that when the weather warms up a little bit, they come crawling out of caves to cruise the collins courtyard. Beware, and if you run into one just move slowly and end each sentence with man. Besides that though it was great fun, so many hugs and laughs. I got me a mean sunburn now on my arms, and face, even the part of my hair is all burnt up. After the dancing died down, and the 8 drum hippie jamming stopped, Lilly and Brandon and I decided to go to Brown County and climb the fire tower. It was awesome...except the top was locked. Took some pictures of the sunset, and now I have to study for my psych test tomorrow..but how can i study with so many happy thoughts running around in my head?!

Yes sir

2006-02-15T19:43:52Z

If anyone's interested in some serious Lego battles let me know I just got a tub and I am lookin to use them!

It gets to be too much.

2006-02-07T01:04:11Z

Man it's been awhile since the last ol update, but shit happens. This was a pretty bad weekend I would say. Went out with someone on Friday, and then ended up watching them pass out for no reason and had to hold their head while they sat there lifeless. Not knowing what to do I kept making them drink water, and talking in order to keep them awake. It seemed like the thing to do. I was scared , so scared, but sometimes you just go on auto-pilot. I'm still not really sure why it happend, but now it's just another memory of an intense time in my life. Classes seem so slow and mundane but I mean they are all topics that I am interested in. It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm just having words and theories shoved in my face but they don't really sink in. I'm sure my motivation will come back to me eventually. Still in a relationship which I didn't see coming. I consider myself to be pretty independent, almost to the point where I thought I'd be better off alone, but things change, and I'm enjoying the time I spend with him. He's a great person. The events on Friday still have me rather shook up, and also have me thinking about a lot of things. For instance, it's common knowledge but I hadn't really thought of it until today when I was walking to astronomy; that you can never really truly know someone, at least not for sure. You can only really know yourself, and sometimes that's a bit shaky. It's a scary thought, but one I'll try not to dwell on. Just a random thought, and I bet it was created from a sour mood, and the theme song to American Beauty blaring in my headphones. I feel like I need a good head cleaning, no not a brain washing hahah although maybe that would be nice. Not a real brain wash, but a literal soap and water kind of scenario. It feels pretty cluttered sometimes. Sidenote: Animal Collective, and Magnolia Electric Co. are coming to Chicago this month and I really want to go. Also Sigur Ros is coming to Indie and I also really want to go. We'll see if I end up going.

My mind is content and my heart is warm.

2006-01-11T21:09:52Z

http://www.bighassle.com/publicity/regina_jacket_bw.jpg

She's so beautiful. I highly recommend the song, "Back of A Truck." Talk about an eargasm!

Ho Hum.

2006-01-09T03:29:46Z

Over break I had to give up some blood so the hospital could do some tests on me. Finally the bruise is starting to fade. I looked like i had myself a problem for awhile there. Got all my books for my classes which should be cool. Stars and Galaxies is going to be great..i hope. Psychology will be fun to, i love learning about the brain, and my genders studies class should be interesting too. The best part of this semester though: No more math!! Math is a downright fucker it is. It's been great seeing people and leaping into great big hugs. I love starting over, how refreshing!

Frusturated...fucking frusturated!

2005-12-29T03:01:00Z

Dell computers are douchebags.

Oh Garsh..

2005-12-24T22:17:46Z

So half of my Christmas has gone by with presents from half the family. Gifts as of yet: new John Lennon documentary, and Pink Floyd: Live at Pompeii. I've seen both already but I still love them just the same. Went to Target with my brother yesterday and he let me pick out a gift, so I picked Ren & Stimpy- Season 1 and 2 on DVD. Hello childhood, how have you been? When Lilly finally opens what I got her..ahem(Pete and Pete Season 2.) I will be locked in a room wearing a baggy t-shirt eating cookie crisp and dreaming of summer while watching these. Anyone is welcome to join me in this youthful vacation. The only thing I've done over this whole break that I could link to being young, is that I've thought of having a snowball fight, but only thought about it then changed my mind. I was always the unlucky kid that got socked in the face when random snotnosed neighbor boy X, thought it was funny to pack rocks in with the snow. Oh jesus good times right there. How i miss the days of scraped knees, grass stains, and hardcore games of ditch or kick the can. Oh I forgot: I saw the scariest thing when I was at the mall with my brother. We were just walking around and browsing, trying to find something for his girlfriend when this tiny little girl, probably half my size walked in front of me and i was just disgusted. She was decked completely out -head to toe- in either abercrombie or aeropostale i couldn't really tell but I knew it was the more expensive get up. She had on fake nails, designer sunglasses, and loads of makeup. She couldn't have been more than 11 years old, if that. If I ever have girls when I do have kids of my own, I sure hope that they like getting dirty and learn to appreciate art and music, rather than clothes and baking. Just my luck I'll probably get the girliest daughters known to man. Thank god I'm a tomboy, I wouldn't have it any other way!

Well..

2005-12-19T16:44:19Z

Alright so break is going pretty slow so far but it is all good things happening. Went to broadripple with Lilly and bought two cds. Man it's been awhile since I've actually purchased music and that's really sad. Regina Spektor- Soviet Kitsch, and Songs:Ohio- Magnolia Electric Co. which I thought was a Magnolia Electric Co. album, since it was alphabetized as such but my mistake sir. I love both so I'm happy with my purchase. Also I've found out about a ton of new music which I love!! Christmas is so stressful, and I hate that there's all this obligation to buy people complete crap which they'll probably throw away or never use, or even worse- regift!! Yikes...that's spikey business that is. We leave for Misouri in about 20 minutes, which will be fun to see family, but I never really fit in with the fam down there, I guess I'm just distanced with my lack of religious belief. I just eat in the corner and smile and pull my cousin ashley aside and we just bullshit which is great. Can't wait to see her. Then after that it's straight from Misouri to my homeland of Minnesota where I'm hoping I'll be able to arrange some sort of time for my friends. I haven't seen them in so long and I really need it haha!! I mean if they come to see me...well that's not my fault and I can't stop them haha! Man it seems as if I'm always planning...so in any event yesh it's all good things happening. Oh and p.s. having my brother home is so great and weird, having him gone for so long makes it seem like i was an only child, its great to have him around. I've missed him. And I'm already starting to miss all those faces in bloomington. Well...maybe not all of them.

Whoa looks like this christmas shall be interesting...

2005-12-07T17:23:49Z

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In August I caught a purse-snatcher who stole eta_6's purse (30 points). In July I put gum in freedomforsam's hair (-12 points). Last Monday I gave uglylittle a kidney (1000 points). Last Sunday I gave akya a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points). In January I committed genocide... Sorry about that, spockroyaltea (-5000 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-3932 points). For Christmas I deserve a moldy sandwich!

Sincerely,
bopty_man

Oh man

2005-11-23T19:11:19Z

I got my very first filling today and I feel like I'm 8 years old today. It hurt a lot and the whole time i was thinking in my head...hey what's that...is that a big drill...what the fuck are you doing? All of these phrases crossed my mind when I was little and had to get teeth pulled, alright except maybe that last one. Cavaties are such assholes, and I've now learned what your face feels like if you have a stroke. The whole right side of my cheek and mouth are completely numb which is creepy. I tried to drink some water and woop, it just slipped right out. After I got out of the dentist's office my mom took me home and offered to make me some soup haha. I told her I would drive myself but she was worried that I'd veer off the road because of the snow which is practically all melted by this point. It's odd that it only takes about 20 minutes of being home to feel like I'm little again. Hopefully they didn't fuck up the filling, because if my bite is weird I'll have to go back on Friday and go through it all again. P.S. I already miss some familiar faces.

It's all due to Nosferatu...

2005-11-18T07:17:40Z

If I asked you to go to Bologna, Italy with me, would you go?

hmm who knew?

2005-11-16T17:55:34Z

My weekend...

2005-11-15T06:14:16Z

Well I thought this would just be like any other weekend but it was ...ok pretty much the same except for a few minor things. I got to be in a really awkward fight which is always fun. I just became part of the couch and pretended like i was a sleep. That escape plan was a hit, i think i'll do it more often. I ventured into a magical land in an attic where i went through this crazy black hole into a bathroom. That was fun. I was saved by a buddy with a mowhawk along with 6 other people and got to sit on a bear's lap the whole way home. I watched movies of the past with friends of the present and laughed a lot. And the best part of the weekend was going to fucking Bright Eyes. I didn't really fit in with the whole crowd that was there- i don't have an unusual hairstyle, and I didn't match eye makeup to my undershirt because i wasn't wearing any. Anyway other than some weird ass kids, the music was pretty great. The two opening acts were alright, but I was just to excited about getting the real show started. And then they came out and he ...started singing and ooooh! I just lost it and i fell in love with the band all over again, like i was recharged or something. I love listening to music but watching music happen is just so fucking awesome. I could go on about the little things that made the show great, but i'd rather not. Some things you just have to keep inside and look back on and smile. It felt a little weird going back to reality after the show. I felt an odd sense of craziness built up inside, and i had no way to unleash it without puking or crying or screaming. So i just smoked a lot of cigarettes and did some kicking, and went to Matt's room and was a freak. I just had to spread the love. I'm a fucking white belt ninja so what?

It's Amazing Today...

2005-11-03T16:27:23Z

I honestly just can't think of anything but how great it is right now. The sun hitting the leaves and the sidewalk just make me happy, and i look at other people and just smile and then they smile, and maybe they'll go and smile at someone else and it will keep going. We are changing the world, slowly but surely. And i'm learning all sorts of things in and out of class, in and out of my head and my heart is growing like the grinch. And i can't possibly be mad at anyone today. And I just hate hearing people who are so unempathetic. I just can't stand hearing people putting others down simply because of a stupid difference between them. And I really really love Bright Eyes. I'm so psyched to go see them on the 13th. I have a feeling that that day is going to be a day you're aware is going to change you somehow. I mean sometimes things just randomly happen and they end up making such a difference to you so unexpectedly, but this day..i know it'll change me. Just like people are changing me, and i'm not sure if i like that or not. I sometimes look at myself from a different perspective and sometimes i feel like the person i'm looking at is a chameleon. That I'm so many different people packed into one body. And yesterday I came upon a woman who was having a violent seizure and had hit her head on the curb, it was one of the most frightening things I've had to deal with. I need to write about it:

And yesterday I saw someone nearly dead.
She was red white and blue, and she was shaking with patriotism.
Her body huddled like a child, reaching out to the traffic that drove on by.
Is it real, is this real? Can she be, can I be? Can no one see this but me?
Her face like a doll, pleading for air and her hands clenched in a silent rage.
Why must I play the prophet? I can't even help myself half the time.
Could this be me? Could I be dead? Just as frozen as the girl before me.
And I wanted to do my part but I simply couldn't move, my feet stuck to the glue of my own childhood.
Her eyes finally opened, awakening from a sleep so deep so deep.
And they twirled in circles, trying to find familiarity, but no just me.
And she gasped and breathed air so new, and i cried for her.
She wanted to be held, but they drove me from her, and took over my prophecy.
The weight off my shoulders, yet so heavy on my mind.
I could've been there. You could've been there.
They came with their illuminated white crosses on their sleeves.
And I slowly backed away and became a part of the passer-byers, with glazed look of horror.
I walked back into my life, and wept in that moment.
Perhaps I did my part, perhaps I helped her breathe.
And i thank her for letting me remember my purpose. Living.
And loving, and talking, and learning, and seeing hearing smelling and tasting.
And feeling oh and feeling.
And I don't know if I saved her, if she's still alive today.
But the waning siren, flashing, breathing. It still haunts me in my memory.
And I weep in this moment.

Oh the heat is coming on!

2005-10-24T21:44:20Z

My roommate is sleeping and I'm tripping on back packs and the lot in the dark. And my fridge is snoring at me, the damned mechanical monster, and I just heard news that they're turning the heat on which ...it's about fucking time!! I'm sick of wearing a coat in my room, and I can't type anymore because one of my fingers just broke off.

Which Mysterious Death will be Yours?
Name/username
Age
Gender
Favorite Color
Usual Hangout
Favorite Food
You will die while	running upstairs.
Who will find your body?	A young hooligan.
You will be wearing	a white straightjacket spattered with blood matching several others' DNA samples.
And the Mysterious Cause...	posession.

This quiz by cutelilangelx - Taken 49042 Times. </a>